Depression

Depression is being on a train and not knowing where to deboard, or when you were going to, but you are avoiding it. Your brain is telling you something is wrong, but you don’t know what it is.

What is Depression?

Depression is a state of heightened senses, where you experience, think, and feel so much that you shut yourself off because you don’t know how to deal with it. You are exhausted—not from physical exertion but from a mental one, because your mind is where you spend most of your time.

You either don’t do anything, or you find what you do meaningless, as there’s no bigger picture, no meaning or purpose.

Different Faces of Depression

There are loosely two kinds (of course, reality is much more complex). One manifests more overtly—such as when you don’t want to get out of bed or shower, or when you don’t feel like doing anything.

The latter kind is more dangerous, though, because it mimics living so well that you don’t even realize you are living on life support. But you wouldn’t know the difference, would you? How would you know? Depression blurs the line between everything, and comparison requires two reference points, but depression is just one thing—it warps your sense of time.

In the latter kind, you go out and have fun, you have friends and a job, and it looks normal to an outside observer. You try to smile, you may be laughing in the moment at some joke, but it all feels fake—it feels like you’re pretending. They’ll tell you to touch the grass, but you already do, and you don’t feel any difference, as there are bigger monsters that lurk within.

The Numbness and Self-Harm

But doing everything has a sense of numbness to it—like when you have pain and swelling, and you take a painkiller. The swelling and pain go away, but the ghost still remains. It’s not normal; the pain is still there, but you don’t feel it. You stop feeling pain, you stop feeling happiness.

You poke yourself with a needle just to feel something—anything at all. You start indulging in risky behavior.

Recommendations for Coping

• Plan short-term
  I suggest planning in terms of days and weeks, and stopping the habit of looking at what you’d be like next month or next year. In depression, you try to look far ahead, but there’s nothing there you can relate to—nothing to feel. It gives a sense of death, as if you don’t exist in the future, so think short-term intentionally.

• Don’t do anything
  Build a temple on your bed or chair—a dedicated space where you allow yourself to simply rest and not do anything. By “temple,” I mean a personal sanctuary; it’s a metaphor for creating a safe, calming area where you can turn off your thoughts and let your mind relax without any pressure or distractions.

  What you lack is “direction,” not action—you are already performing action by overthinking.

• Fix your routine
  Force yourself to do so; it’s the easiest part. A routine will bring certainty to your life, as each day is different from the next.

  Analogy: In order to aim, you need a stable target, and you don’t need to worry about the target or aim—you need to know that you can pull the trigger, that you can take the first step.

• Find something silly or weird that you like
  At this point, you’ve lost interest in everything. You don’t know what it feels like to love something again, and you stop looking at things for their usefulness.

  Just find something to love!

• Take small steps
  Think of it in steps. Have things mapped out, but keep only two steps in mind: the one you are in and the next step. You’ll surely fail again, but pause for a moment and look back. You’ll see that you’ve managed to move forward, even if just a little.

• Focus
  Have you ever seen a horse? Their eyes are partially covered, so they cannot see what’s going on at the side of their eyes; they can only see in front. What’s going on at the side is a distraction. Be that horse—see things that will help you.

  Don’t get distracted by the future; it doesn’t exist yet, but you still do.